I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”
Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!
I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
I’ve lost my Joy
I’ve lost my joy. My days just feel bleak as I sit on the sofa watching the hours pass by. Each night I end my day with frustration, at all the time I let slip by me. Minutes turned to hours where I’ve scrolled, slept or stared at a screen absorbing nothing. My life is rushing past so fast but I’m no longer participating. I have projects waiting. I have tasks that need doing. But my motivation has vanished. Even things I would usually be passionate about spark nothing, no matter how desperately I wish it would. I just feel … Continue reading “I’ve lost my Joy”
Mental health support is just a lie
Today I feel anger. Today I feel violence. And heaven help those who cross me. When you look on the internet, in the papers and on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking that mental health is a big thing that we are all encouraged to talk about, to be supportive of those who struggle and that help is out there. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit. People don’t like to associate with those who have mental health struggles. It’s a dirty little secret that should not be seen or heard. Hide it away. Bury it deep inside, … Continue reading “Mental health support is just a lie”
The waiting game
When we originally talked about my taking some leave to get my mental health back in a good place, the plan was to start getting back to work by the end of September. We’re halfway through the month and it’s not going to happen. I still can’t walk. My twisted ankle is still very far from being healed. I’m fact, if anything it feels a little bit worse today than it was earlier in the week. Did I overdo it the other day? Maybe. But it’s so bloody boring just sitting about. Even if I am just shuffling from one … Continue reading “The waiting game”
It’s finally here
This week I’ve been having night terrors. The kind where you’re not sure if you’re asleep or awake. The first one followed a dream. A dream where I had to choose between shopping a good friend in for committing a murder that was completely out of character Vs letting someone I know to be of bad merit take the fall. I spent the whole dream conflicted. Over who deserved to serve. Then when I ‘woke’ I was alone. And I was scared. I knew I had to run, to get out. Something bad was coming. But the pain in my … Continue reading “It’s finally here”
A Dream of Clarity
Last nights dream has left my mood low, but equally has given me some clarity. The first part of the dream I had visited a seaside town I haven’t been to since I was much younger. All the routes I previously knew had changed due to building works and development. I found myself at a psychic and craft fair. I wondered round aimlessly finding very little of interest so returned to my car getting lost numerous times on route. When I arrived at the car my daughter was there. She wanted to see the fair herself. I walked half way … Continue reading “A Dream of Clarity”
Glorious HRT
In 2017 I went to my GP due to sweats, pain, low mood and memory loss. They suggested I was perimenopausal, but without a blood test to prove otherwise, the fact that I still had a regular monthly cycle, they wouldn’t treat me. I have been seeing my GP every 2 weeks since March. Most of the visits we focus on my mental health, my pain levels from fibro, and all the big things that are affecting my life right now. About 2 months ago I happened to mention, that with the warmer weather, my sweats were nye on impossible … Continue reading “Glorious HRT”
Where’s the light?
When my mental health took such a turn in March, I thought that by the end of summer, I’d be getting better. My garden would be beautiful and my completed crafts would be stacking up filling my little heart with joy. And I have had some days where I’ve been brighter. I allowed myself to feel I was turning a corner. That my mental health was on the rise. I went to bed last night wanting to be motivated for today. To start ticking things off the ever-growing to-do list. But thats not how today is going. I’ve woken up … Continue reading “Where’s the light?”
Hows my day going ?
How’s my day? So far I’ve spent 2 hours doom scrolling. I’ve cried at posts, I’ve smiled and I’ve shared pointless memes. And now I’m barating myself for achieving nothing. Last night I missed out my strong pain meds and my sleeping tablets hoping I wouldn’t feel so groggy, so drunk when I woke up. But my head is swimming. My foot pain after my turned ankle did disturb some of my sleep, but otherwise I feel like I clocked up a few good hours, so why do I feel so rough. I’m angry I’m not motivated. I’m angry that … Continue reading “Hows my day going ?”