Your emotions will come like waves. Let them come, don’t fight them. You can miss someone and not like everything about them. Don’t feel guilty if the bad times try to fight their way to the front of your mind. Recognise that they were part of the package. Everyone grieves differently, don’t judge. Death can bring out the worst in people so put your boundaries in place and stick to them. Say their name when you’re with people that knew them. Be kind to yourself because it’s a lot to deal with when someone dies
Category: Grief
Valentine’s hearts
It was Valentine’s yesterday. Everywhere I went this week has been surrounded by hearts. And my heart has felt like it’s been breaking. No not a metaphor, my heart literally breaking. I went to the GP last week because I’ve been struggling mentally again, and whilst I was there I mentioned the chest pains I’ve been having. A week before I’d had to walk up a hill. The weather was cold and wet, I had a backpack on to carry my stuff as the things I’d needed that day were heavier than I’d usually take. By the time I was … Continue reading “Valentine’s hearts”
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
Im Sorry
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. These words are second nature. I saw a post last week about how many times us Brits apologise. I was sorry about that. I felt like it was shameful to use that word so often. But yet I still do. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. We said we should, but life got different. I’m sorry we didn’t have that meet-up. It would have done the world of good. Instead the world got dark. I’m sorry that I zoned out for the last 6 months, I never should have taken the tablets that allowed … Continue reading “Im Sorry”
Flown the nest
I dreamt my kids were still babies last night. But I knew they were grown adults and couldn’t figure out why they were here as babies again. I was trying to feeding them things they hated as a child but enjoy now.They wanted to do crafts and as always I didn’t want the glitter getting everywhere. One of my kids was suffering sores around their nappy line and I told them I was sorry and that I knew how uncomfortable that was as I too get sores around my HRT patches some days. We were throwing a party at my … Continue reading “Flown the nest”
2023 The year I tried
I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried. I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all. And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas. If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll … Continue reading “2023 The year I tried”
The French exchange
I got some news last month. I have held this post like a boiled sweet in my mouth. Moving it side to side, let it melt for a moment to understand the complexity, the flavour, for I know my thoughts might not be how others feel or accept. A friend has passed away. I say friend, but in all honesty with life and busyness and stuff we very rarely spoke now. On paper we should have been each others support. They had fibro too. Life has rolled some punches and mental health has kicked their arse. Such common ground. We … Continue reading “The French exchange”
Those panic attack phonecalls.
I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”
Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!
I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
Mental health support is just a lie
Today I feel anger. Today I feel violence. And heaven help those who cross me. When you look on the internet, in the papers and on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking that mental health is a big thing that we are all encouraged to talk about, to be supportive of those who struggle and that help is out there. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit. People don’t like to associate with those who have mental health struggles. It’s a dirty little secret that should not be seen or heard. Hide it away. Bury it deep inside, … Continue reading “Mental health support is just a lie”