I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried.
I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all.
And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas.
If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll have probably figured out by now I hate Christmas.
And even though I am trying this year to not spoil it for those I love, I am finding it increasingly difficult to play along.
As part of his gift, my husband asked that I put up the tree. And it’s up. Task fulfilled.
And I had a brief moment when my son was helping me put on the lights and my heart felt warmed by how well we work as a team considering he no longer lives at home with me but is living his best life with his partner in halls in Uni.
But by the time I had finished the tree, I felt absolutely wiped out. And now each time I look at it I’m just reminded that I will lose another day of spoons to get it back down, tidied up and in the loft till next year.
I started gift shopping in October because I was trying to spread the costs now I had no job to earn my own money. When I saw different things that I thought would make people smile, I ordered them and popped them in the studio waiting to be wrapped.
As part of getting the tree up, I also tidied everything from the house away in boxes and stored it in the studio.
Now I have no idea which boxes are gifts and what should really have been sorted and binned, but each time I tried to sort it I just didn’t have the capacity.
And I have no idea if I have something for everyone I’m meant to buy for or not and Im trying not to feel bad about that.
I then saw a video, one of those 5-minute craft ones where they made chocolate bark and I figured that, as for me money is so tight, I would try to make some to gift my family and friends.
It was an unmitigated disaster. In the video, they had the chocolate on a baking tray. And whilst I knew chocolate should be melted over a Bain Marie, I figured a warm oven would work just as well. Heated the oven, turned it off and put in 2 trays of chocolate.
The sugars separated from the cocoa and palm oil and now I’m left with singed grit and 12 bars of chocolate ruined. I cant even nibble it to console myself as it tastes so bad.
And in my madness, I had decided to try to make a number of gifts and now I’m just scared they will be a waste of time and energy too, seeing as I don’t seem to be able to get the simplest of tasks done without cocking up. I mean it was just melted chocolate!!!
And each day we get closer I try not to fall apart.
My husband even gifted me with a special festive t-shirt that says I’m trying, but all I really want to do is curl up and hide until it’s all over.
All this trying is just so tiring and I just don’t want to play any more.
