Your emotions will come like waves. Let them come, don’t fight them. You can miss someone and not like everything about them. Don’t feel guilty if the bad times try to fight their way to the front of your mind. Recognise that they were part of the package. Everyone grieves differently, don’t judge. Death can bring out the worst in people so put your boundaries in place and stick to them. Say their name when you’re with people that knew them. Be kind to yourself because it’s a lot to deal with when someone dies
Category: Family
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
Im Sorry
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. These words are second nature. I saw a post last week about how many times us Brits apologise. I was sorry about that. I felt like it was shameful to use that word so often. But yet I still do. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. We said we should, but life got different. I’m sorry we didn’t have that meet-up. It would have done the world of good. Instead the world got dark. I’m sorry that I zoned out for the last 6 months, I never should have taken the tablets that allowed … Continue reading “Im Sorry”
Flown the nest
I dreamt my kids were still babies last night. But I knew they were grown adults and couldn’t figure out why they were here as babies again. I was trying to feeding them things they hated as a child but enjoy now.They wanted to do crafts and as always I didn’t want the glitter getting everywhere. One of my kids was suffering sores around their nappy line and I told them I was sorry and that I knew how uncomfortable that was as I too get sores around my HRT patches some days. We were throwing a party at my … Continue reading “Flown the nest”
I dreamt my kids were still babies
I dreamt my kids were still babies last night. But I knew they were grown adults and couldn’t figure out why they were here as babies again. I was trying to feed them things they hated as a child but enjoy now. They wanted to do crafts and as always I didn’t want the glitter getting everywhere. One of my kids was suffering sores around their nappy line and I told them I was sorry and that I knew how uncomfortable that was as I too get sores around my HRT patches some days. We were throwing a party at … Continue reading “I dreamt my kids were still babies”
2023 The year I tried
I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried. I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all. And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas. If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll … Continue reading “2023 The year I tried”
Those panic attack phonecalls.
I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”
I’ve lost my Joy
I’ve lost my joy. My days just feel bleak as I sit on the sofa watching the hours pass by. Each night I end my day with frustration, at all the time I let slip by me. Minutes turned to hours where I’ve scrolled, slept or stared at a screen absorbing nothing. My life is rushing past so fast but I’m no longer participating. I have projects waiting. I have tasks that need doing. But my motivation has vanished. Even things I would usually be passionate about spark nothing, no matter how desperately I wish it would. I just feel … Continue reading “I’ve lost my Joy”
The waiting game
When we originally talked about my taking some leave to get my mental health back in a good place, the plan was to start getting back to work by the end of September. We’re halfway through the month and it’s not going to happen. I still can’t walk. My twisted ankle is still very far from being healed. I’m fact, if anything it feels a little bit worse today than it was earlier in the week. Did I overdo it the other day? Maybe. But it’s so bloody boring just sitting about. Even if I am just shuffling from one … Continue reading “The waiting game”
It’s finally here
This week I’ve been having night terrors. The kind where you’re not sure if you’re asleep or awake. The first one followed a dream. A dream where I had to choose between shopping a good friend in for committing a murder that was completely out of character Vs letting someone I know to be of bad merit take the fall. I spent the whole dream conflicted. Over who deserved to serve. Then when I ‘woke’ I was alone. And I was scared. I knew I had to run, to get out. Something bad was coming. But the pain in my … Continue reading “It’s finally here”