It was Valentine’s yesterday. Everywhere I went this week has been surrounded by hearts. And my heart has felt like it’s been breaking. No not a metaphor, my heart literally breaking. I went to the GP last week because I’ve been struggling mentally again, and whilst I was there I mentioned the chest pains I’ve been having. A week before I’d had to walk up a hill. The weather was cold and wet, I had a backpack on to carry my stuff as the things I’d needed that day were heavier than I’d usually take. By the time I was … Continue reading “Valentine’s hearts”
Category: Anxiety
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
Im Sorry
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. These words are second nature. I saw a post last week about how many times us Brits apologise. I was sorry about that. I felt like it was shameful to use that word so often. But yet I still do. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. We said we should, but life got different. I’m sorry we didn’t have that meet-up. It would have done the world of good. Instead the world got dark. I’m sorry that I zoned out for the last 6 months, I never should have taken the tablets that allowed … Continue reading “Im Sorry”
I dreamt my kids were still babies
I dreamt my kids were still babies last night. But I knew they were grown adults and couldn’t figure out why they were here as babies again. I was trying to feed them things they hated as a child but enjoy now. They wanted to do crafts and as always I didn’t want the glitter getting everywhere. One of my kids was suffering sores around their nappy line and I told them I was sorry and that I knew how uncomfortable that was as I too get sores around my HRT patches some days. We were throwing a party at … Continue reading “I dreamt my kids were still babies”
There is that Van again
That vans there again. Parked across the street. I don’t even know if you work there anymore, but each time I see it I feel fear. A visceral shaking to my core at the thought you could be close. I tried running before, but the memories followed me, and I still found your face in crowds despite it being impossible that it could be you. Nearly 30 years and you still hold the power. My fear is to catch your eye, because I know if I looked into them again my throat would close and I would be back there. … Continue reading “There is that Van again”
Those panic attack phonecalls.
I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”
Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!
I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
Mental health support is just a lie
Today I feel anger. Today I feel violence. And heaven help those who cross me. When you look on the internet, in the papers and on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking that mental health is a big thing that we are all encouraged to talk about, to be supportive of those who struggle and that help is out there. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit. People don’t like to associate with those who have mental health struggles. It’s a dirty little secret that should not be seen or heard. Hide it away. Bury it deep inside, … Continue reading “Mental health support is just a lie”
The waiting game
When we originally talked about my taking some leave to get my mental health back in a good place, the plan was to start getting back to work by the end of September. We’re halfway through the month and it’s not going to happen. I still can’t walk. My twisted ankle is still very far from being healed. I’m fact, if anything it feels a little bit worse today than it was earlier in the week. Did I overdo it the other day? Maybe. But it’s so bloody boring just sitting about. Even if I am just shuffling from one … Continue reading “The waiting game”
It’s finally here
This week I’ve been having night terrors. The kind where you’re not sure if you’re asleep or awake. The first one followed a dream. A dream where I had to choose between shopping a good friend in for committing a murder that was completely out of character Vs letting someone I know to be of bad merit take the fall. I spent the whole dream conflicted. Over who deserved to serve. Then when I ‘woke’ I was alone. And I was scared. I knew I had to run, to get out. Something bad was coming. But the pain in my … Continue reading “It’s finally here”