Imagine being in a situation where your baby, your most adored little being in the world struggles so hard with their life that they think about ending it. As a teen it was something I personally experienced myself. A belief that I wasn’t enough and the world would be better without me. The last thing I’d ever want in my life is for one of my babies to be in that position. But 2016 here we were. And being on that journey, to get your child the help and support they need is one of the lonely experiences I have … Continue reading “The Suicide Squad”
Month: April 2023
I’m struggling again
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self-harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no tools … Continue reading “I’m struggling again”
2 Months off
The Dr has signed me off for 2 months. I’m fighting it as the reality is I’ll not have a job to go back to. But let’s say I have my 2 months. The reality is I’ll continue to sit on the sofa doing the odd bit of art, maybe a bit of blogging and remain on a waiting list for help I need to move forward. Scrolling through Netflix whilst being unable to decide what to watch. And napping the majority of my time. What I’d like to do with that 2 months. Blitz the house from top to … Continue reading “2 Months off”
Who did I used to be?
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no … Continue reading “Who did I used to be?”
Not fit for work
I’ve been signed off. Work had called a meeting to discuss the amount of time I’ve had off. I had a note of amended duties and hours in place. They planned the meeting the week that note finished. I know I’m still not in the best place as I still keep having toxic thoughts and there is still no plan in place for any kind of counselling or therapy to give me the tools to move forward. So I contacted my GP for an extension on my note. A note work had said I wouldn’t need. When the GP sent … Continue reading “Not fit for work”
Fake Happy
As a gift I bought my daughter tickets to see one of her favourite bands performing at the O2. They’ve not played live for a few years so it was a big thing. A big thing that was arranged before my mental health had a downward spiral. I felt I owed it to her to paint on the smile and continue with the plan. And I did literally paint on the smile. Rainbow eyeshadow. Make myself look like I was participating in the excitement of the day. The drive up was dreadful. It was teaming down with rain and my … Continue reading “Fake Happy”
I want to go home
I want to go home. The reality is I’m sitting on our sofa in front of our TV, but I don’t feel home. Maybe an hour in bed would make me feel better, but right now nowhere feels quite like I’m home or a place where I can be myself. I paint on the face with the kids to they think I’m getting my shit together. They don’t deserve to keep seeing the wreck that I am. And I’ve tried talking to my husband, but because my thoughts are so contradictory to one another he does seem to be able … Continue reading “I want to go home”
Hoarding is a bad idea
Today has been non eventful. Work quiet and pretty stressless. In Fact it was pretty boring. Tonight’s drive home was incredibly difficult. My head wanted to go to the shops and buy a litre of vodka. I wanted to hide it in my bedroom until I’ve gathered up enough meds that when the time comes I’d have enough courage to do the job properly. I literally stopped my car at the junction sobbing trying to force myself to turn straight towards home and not the shops. Thing is nothing has happened. Nothing has prompted me to feel low or suicidal … Continue reading “Hoarding is a bad idea”
A pig on a pirate ship
I’ve spent the last couple of days numb. And a little bit tearful too. But I haven’t been obsessed with self destruction. I haven’t thought of killing myself again. I think that’s a good thing. Maybe the meds are finally kicking in. Or maybe I’m just becoming used to being the kind of person who cannot be responsible for myself, so rely on others to feed me, medicate me, tell me when to bathe. I’ve also spent most of those days asleep every moment I’m not pretending at adulting. Although this evening I managed to spend an hour or 2 … Continue reading “A pig on a pirate ship”
Rose tinted specs
I got my paper work through today. The letter to say they’ve signed me off the crisis team and am now under the acute day services. And will be passed over to the adult mental health services after that. They’d promised they wouldn’t do that until my meds were finalised and another meeting held, but that didn’t happen. They make me sound like I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and embraced my time with them and I’m coming on board in leaps and bounds. They’ve failed to mention since signing on with them I slit my wrists. And they failed to mention how … Continue reading “Rose tinted specs”